"Why painting anything at 4 am is a bad idea" - by Clark W. Griswold

Since we moved into our house about 3 weeks ago, I had decided that I was done with having blue painter's tape still up in every room of our house. I informed Adam that I was done with that and so he worked all week after work to touch up and finish up all of the paint. But it was Thursday night and I had just had enough. I just could not take one more day of not "living" in the house so I pranced myself up to the top of the ladder in our living room and dining room to paint the crown moulding and then have the glorious boon of ripping down the festering painter's tape once and for all. And with that, the stage was set.

At first I was just frustrated as all get out. It was me against the ceiling and I was going to win. I calculated that I could paint a full six inches on either side of where I stood on the top of the ladder before I had to get down, take the paint can and rollers down, move the tarp, move the ladder and relocate to exactly 12 inches from where I had been before. The progress was slow but I was on a mission and I was not to be deterred. As it went on, I sort of got this self satisfied grin on my face thinking "boy, will Adam think I'm a rock star when he sees what I've done." (Nevermind that he was in the other room at the time doing touch ups and painting trim because he wouldn't go to sleep while I was up working...no folks, let's not get distracted...this story is all about me, thank you very much) I'm cruising along and before I knew it, I was one side of the dining room wall away from finishing the first coat of that crown moulding. Then, at around 3:45 a stroke of genius hit me. I would go to the garage and get the other drop cloths and line each of the walls so that when I moved the ladder, rollers and paint, I wouldn't also have to move the tarps as I went around to do the second coat. Since we had just put in new carpet so I had to be super careful to not drip.

So, to the garage I went. I got the drop cloths, lined each of the walls and just had that last wall to line before I could get up to the top of the ladder, finish my task and do the final endzone dance at being done with the painting. The momentum was building. It was to be my triumph. So that last tarp had gotten caught a little bit under the corner of the ladder. I went over and gave it a tug and then I heard this sort of rattling sound. I turned just in time to watch the GALLON of paint careening from the top of the ladder and thudding on the floor. It of course landed on the corner so the paint literally spewed forth in the ONE CORNER THAT DID NOT HAVE A DROP CLOTH!!!! You guys, it was SO Christmas Vacation. It was in slow motion and as it fell, I just could not fathom that it was really happening. On my beautifully freshly painted walls, there was a WHITE GLOSSY SPLATTER that went half way up the wall, on the shutters, on the window sill and on the baseboards. Oh, and it doesn't stop there! No sir. There was paint literally pooling on my BRAND NEW CARPET! (Picture Margo from Christmas Vacation with the spilled wine crying "My carpet!" That was me.) No exaggeration: I let out the most primal, blood curdling, horror movie-esque scream. It even startled me. Poor Adam was clear on the other side of the house and came SPRINTING in to find out what had happened.

Lucky for me, he didn't kill me for having scared the bejabbers out of him and then, in the calmest, most unaffected voice, he said "it's OK. It'll be fine. We'll clean it up." Yeah, here's my brilliant method. I straight like sprayed water on it and was mopping it up with a dish towel. What I thought this was doing to help the situation, I'll never know but it was worth trying, right? I can not describe the extent of the meltdown I had at the sight of my ruined carpet. It was a cross between hysteria and a full fledged nervous breakdown. I was inconsolable and not even making complete sentences. IT WAS 4 am PEOPLE!

Good thing Adam is incredibly calm in tragic situations and is evidently capable of keeping his witts about him. He decides he'll flood the carpet and then flush the water over to the tile which bordered the carpet. I watched as he did it and over and over he flushed the paint from the carpet and the water came out on the other side a very very milky white shade. So there I am, whimpering and crying in the corner and mumbling something about being sorry that I wrecked our dining room. And then, even though it was me who had insisted that we stay up until this project was finished THAT NIGHT and after Adam had been up till like 2 am the day before, we all know how this ended. Adam finished the painting and Tams, who incidentally was still hiccuping from crying so hard, went to bed. When I got up in the morning, the painter's tape was down and the carpet had almost dried from the incident which we've now named "The Spill."

AND THEN, our good friend called Adam that afternoon to see what he was up to and he mentioned what had happened the night before. Our friend then says "hey, you know what? I have a carpet shampooer and I'm not too busy right now. Want me to come over?" So literally, on a Friday night, this guy just drops what he's doing and cruises on over to shampoo the Bad News Bears' carpet. I walk in the door that night to find the house in PERFECT condition and Doug was just wrapping up finishing cleaning the carpet. You can't even tell anything happened. Adam had repainted the wall so there was no remaining evidence that I had made such a fiasco of the night (morning) before. So what if I hugged the carpet cleaner maching thingy...you would have too! It's all part of the experience, Lazer Beams. I wanted something to be proud of, right? And that, folks, is why nothing is EVER worth painting at 4 a.m. Consider yourselves warned.